Sula

She lies on her back, her hands at her sides, palms facing upward. Her legs are spread wide open… she awaits Master’s inspection.

The Club

I was still debating up until the time I left whether or not to go to the club or to the meet and greet.  Ultimately I decided to go to the club. 

I spent most of my evening concentrating on the contest to win a free weekend pass.   Winner would be the lady with the most beads.  Boobs for Beads, Mardi Gras style.  I gave ’em all a run for their money but no cigar.  So I felt it was a waste.  A lot of people got to see my nice boobs.

The thing about the club is that it is mostly geared toward couples.  So most people are paired up.  And although it seems like a great thing to have single ladies in attendance, I have not found it to be so great.  I sit around waiting to be propositioned and that is not my style.  And most people there seem like they have just come to hang out and maybe use the play rooms as their personal hotel and that’s it. 

I, on the other hand, come out to fuck. 

By the end of the night I had not done much playing and was enjoying viewing a few people in the large play room.  I sortof acted as an accessorie to the players.  I wasn’t really feeling any of them. 

I suck a little dick, got my pussy felt up and ate out real slow by a very nice woman.  And the night was over.

The only good thing about it was the fact that I would get home early and get some rest and I knew I would be at a much more fun party Saturday night.

Ah….live and learn.  The club is not that great on a friday night. 

Steps

Seems that mentor and i are making progress.  I am more and more comfortable with Him and see no hesitation in following this path with/to Him.

For all intents and purposes He is interacting with me in the way in which I want and feel most comfortable.  I have not gotten one weird feeling from him. 

As tasks are added I progress more.  I didn’t even make a big fuss about my new assignment of exercise and spreadsheet.  Before I would have made all kinds of fuss unbeknownst to my Master using the distance as a barrier.

 Anyhow….off to play.

What a Day

Busy, hectic day. 

Work.  Well I got the big report printed and sent off.  That was one big pain in my side and it will be again, but not until next month.  Then I actually got to work on my big to do pile.  I feel like I will be able to get things wrapped up by the end of the week, maybe.

Home.  Good.  I wasn’t here until late.  All that needs to be said about that.  And I got to watch Lost, and I actually feel like I am caught up and know what’s going on even though I missed most of last season.  But they had a really good recap show on last week.

As for this journey with my mentor.  Hmmm.  I felt like there was a big snag, but was reassured that it was all part of the journey.  Everything is not as blown out of proportion as it seemed.  Perhaps I will find a way to incorporate the email conversation between my mentor and I and look at it further.

______

I really wonder what is it about submission.  I wonder how can one’s mind be muniplated or trained to be that of a slave.  Is it all about the dominance of the master or the depth of consent of the slave?  I believe in it, yet I feel it is something that I will never fully understand until it happens to me, if it happens.   Or do you as a submissive yeild, give over consent and control a little at a time?  Like at first is it a choice, everything that is done and all the control yield a conscious choice, and then over time it is no longer a choice but a result of the conditioning of the mind and body?

That is what I wonder about this.  Like will I never get to the place I dream of being without willingly giving over as much control as possible.  Am I holding myself back?  Or is this like many other things  in my life I need to just suck it up and do what I say I want and need to do.  Just do it.  Like gettingup early and working out.  Need to do that.  I want to get healthier and tone up more.  Like getting my personal paperwork at home organized, been saying I was going to do that for over a month or so.    Like being more organzied period, with the kids and with myself.  Stop wasting time and procrastinating everything.

What’s the worst that could happen jumping in feet first?  I usually have good instincts when it comes to meeting people of my similar kink.  Oh yeah, the worst that could happen…my marriage.    Anyway.

I was sitting here thinking tonight about how tired I was, and this is not the same kind of tired like on Saturdays with the kids, this kind of tired I want to fuck out.  I love fucking when I’m tired.  It helps relax me.  Then I thought, I wonder what it would be like to be fucked everyday.  Or nearly everyday.  I think I wonder this because it is hard for me to fathom being in any type of a relationship again.

Nevertheless, I really need to get fucked right now.  I am really looking forward to my weekend.  I think this is as close to no sex I can ever get.  Having sex once or twice a month is as close to no sex for me as I can get.  I did go that one time for about 4 weeks.  But that didn’t last long.

Note to Mentor:  Emails can be bounced back either for inappropriate language, which I doubt you did.  Or because the email replies were getting too long, it had been running since yesterday.  Or because my Outlook is way too full and I was planning on seriously cleaning it out tomorrow.  Let’s try a new email in the morning.

Weird things going on with this journal.

Fantasies

I have always found it difficult to describe fantasies.

I think it is my definition of what a fantasy is.  To me fantasies are things that could and would never, ever happen.  Things that go against the laws of nature and/or gravity.  So therefore, if I fantasize about something, I usually make up something fantasical as I go along.  There is no reoccuring them or fantasy that I use over and over.

What I think people are describing when they ask me about fantasies is:  What is it that you would like to do sexually that you have not done?

Yet that is an equally difficult question to answer.  I say that because as open, kinky, and wild as I may seem, there are a lot of things I have not done sexually.  And I attribute that to marriage and my ex and not did not view our sexual relationship as a journey, or an evolution.

However, I believe that to really explore yourself sexually, you need to have a regular partner who will take that journey with you and evolve.

So are there things that I would like to do sexually that I have not done?  Yes….everything I have not done.  Most of which I don’t even know exists so hard to describe.

Now, my task was to describe my deepest darkest fantasy or desire that I dare not think of in the light of day nor have I shared with anyone.

The honest answer to that request is:  SUBMISSION

This is my deepest darkest fantasy that I would tell no one about, not even my swinger friends.  This is something personal and sacred.  This is the dark part of me that I want to embrace.  It is my fantasy/desire to be owned, to be a slave, to be at One’s feet.   To be spanked, to be whipped, to be flogged, to be slapped across the face, to be probed, to be used, to be abused, to be treated as an object, to please, to serve, to not think for myself, to have decisions made for me, to have provisions made for me, to be taken care of completely, to be able to put an exalted level of trust in someone.

Well, that is what I think was referred to in the request from my mentor.

Of course there is one other little tiny thing:

There is also the fantasy of falling in love again.  I would never tell anyone that.  I would not never admit that.  I am suppose to be strong, independent, too busy, and bitter to want something like that.

Nor am I suppose to stil fantasize about the grand wedding I never had, but I like to.  Think of the dresses and flowers and table decorations.  I often think the only reason I would ever get married again is to plan a wedding.  Maybe I should be a wedding planner, but then again, I’d be utterly jealous of the couples.

Those things have nothing to do with sex, but still they are fantasies that I would never tell anyone. 

Tower Slave

In this form of nadu, she kneels the same way, but with her palms down and her knees modestly together. The position may also be done with the arms crossed at the wrists before the kajira or the hands may be holding something, such as a tablet for inscribing ciphers, etc. This is referred to as the Tower Slave Position and is typically reserved for underage or white-silk slave girls, Free Women including those in temporary service to pay a debt,  or slave girls who serve their Master in a nonsexual way. Some Masters may ask their slaves to serve Others from this position, or Free Women are typically served in this position except by silk slaves who are also kajirus.

Worried Over Nothing

Work.

My workload is getting very full while waiting for some personnel adjustments.  Currently I am acting as Contract Administrator, Assistant to the Director and Receptionist for the department.  My supervisor is working on getting me a pay raise to compensate for my duties as well as re-distribute other duties that are a hindrance to more important areas that I am responsible for.  In the near future it should become more manageable and I should be better compensated for my performance, but I am managing fairly right now.

Home.

Home is home.  As I stated in my journal yesterday was a good day because I did not have hardly any family bothering me.  However, my father was off of work today and tomorrow.  That gives me anxiety because I worry that he will have plenty to complain about and bother me about when I get home.  It is not that I don’t try to do everything that he asks of me, but no one is perfect and he has a tendency to nit pick and harp on things that are of priority to him and not so much for me.  It is an anxiety from childhood that I and my brother constantly deal with.  We just cannot relax when he is home.  But, hey, I could be worried for nothing.  Perhaps he will be more relaxed with the rest and there won’t be any issues.  I won’t know that until I get home.

I am still looking for a place of my own.  The apartments that we have looked at are nice.  Yet unavailable at the moment and do not have in unit washer and dryer which is really a priority with 3 kids.  Yet I do not hold that as a non negotiable when considering peace of mind may be more important. I am also going to look into town homes which might be better seeing as though many will have a w/d and it will be unlikely that me and the children will outgrow it too soon.

We’ll see.  I will have my break from kids and family this weekend.

Actually, the evening went well at home.  No need for all the anxiety.  Did the usual dinner, bath, dessert, bed.  Parents went out to dinner, that is what helped.  Don’t get me wrong, its not always that there is a problem when my dad is around, just sometimes and most times its the little things that get to me. Same as with him.  I am my father’s daughter.

Still need to get a handle on my class I am taking.  I think I will delve into this weekend to get caught up since I was late registering anyway.

Nadu

 
This is the most basic of all the positions. The position a slave or kajira (female slave in Gorean) or kajirus (male slave in Gorean) uses to  kneel before her Master (or Mistress,) her head held proudly high, eyes downcast in respect but not shame, knees spread wide open, shoulders back keeping her back straight or arched in a subtle manner to move the breasts up and outwards.Hands lie on her thighs, palms facing upward.
“`Nadu!’ he snapped.She swiftly turned, facing him, and dropped to her knees. She knelt back on her heels, her back straight, her hands on her thighs, her head up, her knees wide. It was the position of the pleasure slave.” page 77, Explorers of

As Expected

My day went as expected.  I enjoyed getting out of the house and away from family.  The evening went just as well, hardly no one was home to hover over me while I went about my task.  Splendid. 

It is really nice “talking” to my mentor throughout the day.  It helps to keep me on an even keel and in a pretty good mood despite the workload I have.  I did manage to adjust my benefits and finish registering for school.

I hope the rest of the week goes as well.

Off to do some research.

Today was a good day.

It’s What You Get for Complaining

Yeah, so Sundays are usually better.  But I guess since I complained about Saturday, the Gods or Karma decided to make me thankful for how things could have been worse by…giving me worse.

First of all, they broke the rule.  They meaning the kids.  On the weekend they are not suppose to get me up to do anything until 8am.  They are suppose to sit in my room and watch TV until 8!  Middle Child work me up at quarter to 7 wanting cereal.  Then Youngest Child woke up and decided to eat cereal too.  Then Oldest Child woke up and didn’t want cereal…until the other two had finished.  Blah!

Let’s add some more, shall we?

My brother decides to cook breakfast all after the fact…and wants a full course meal.  So it takes him like an hour or so.  On top of that he told the kids they could have some, so therefore they are buzzing and impatient.  Great!  I’m hungry because I haven’t eaten and I am irritable.  There are like a thousand dishes to wash and he’s still cooking.   So I start to help wash dishes and move things along.

In the middle of such, kids running around, wanting food, asking questions, crying etc.  Dad comes in the kitchen.  In the middle of this chaos I happen to mention that my niece is on her way over because I was going to watch her while her parents went to a ball game.   I then get a response that did not sit well with me.  First he asks what I had planned for them.  Nothing.  I had planned on staying home with my own 3 kids and adding one more was not going to make much of a difference and it helped her parents out.  Besides the fact that I think it is ok to do a family member a favor without a reason.  Something to the fact that next time I should check with him, or when he’s worked the day before and has to work the next day…something something…football.   Which basically just pissed me off.  I mean I took it as again I should cater to him and make sure his world is ok before all else.  I was really not in the mood, still hungry, having a nicotine fit, kids running around. 

Breathe.

On top of the fact he just doesn’t say stuff right most of the time.  Arrggghhh!

So then on top of everything else that had gone on and was going on, now I’m all geeked up on trying to keep the kids manageable so it doesn’t disturb him.  Which gives me more anxiety.  Then, the kids keep asking me for food and snacks and I make them wait and wait.  I finally fix lunch, not call them to lunch but just prepare the food and here he comes.  They just ate a few hours ago, you don’t need to feed them all that, you shouldn’t teach them to overeat. 

OMG!!!  Still having a nicotine fit (out of smokes hadn’t gone to the store nor borrowed a few bucks to do so), still trying to keep the kids quiet and occupied and behaved.  And then this.  Almost lost it.  But he backtracked and tried to make it better.  That helped.  Said he wasn’t trying to get on me. Said I didn’t have to do things just for his sake (which I do, which he thinks everyone should).  Then he was like oh yeah, thanks for trying to get them fed before the housekeeper came to clean up the kitchen.

WTF!

Breathe.

At least he backtracked.  At least he stepped back and saw that I was trying to do a lot.

Ugghh!

The day went better after that.  I got my nicotine fix, got the kids out of the house and then the day was almost over.

Whew!  Not many people say that they are looking forward to the work week starting.  I do.  Kids go to the sitter/school.  I get to go away from my dad.  Get to be around people where I feel competent.

Yea! Monday!

Last cigarette for the night.  My brother and I talking just fine. Then here he (Dad) comes for a heart to heart and we have to sit and listen.

I gotta go to bed.