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Steps

Seems that mentor and i are making progress.  I am more and more comfortable with Him and see no hesitation in following this path with/to Him.

For all intents and purposes He is interacting with me in the way in which I want and feel most comfortable.  I have not gotten one weird feeling from him. 

As tasks are added I progress more.  I didn’t even make a big fuss about my new assignment of exercise and spreadsheet.  Before I would have made all kinds of fuss unbeknownst to my Master using the distance as a barrier.

 Anyhow….off to play.

What a Day

Busy, hectic day. 

Work.  Well I got the big report printed and sent off.  That was one big pain in my side and it will be again, but not until next month.  Then I actually got to work on my big to do pile.  I feel like I will be able to get things wrapped up by the end of the week, maybe.

Home.  Good.  I wasn’t here until late.  All that needs to be said about that.  And I got to watch Lost, and I actually feel like I am caught up and know what’s going on even though I missed most of last season.  But they had a really good recap show on last week.

As for this journey with my mentor.  Hmmm.  I felt like there was a big snag, but was reassured that it was all part of the journey.  Everything is not as blown out of proportion as it seemed.  Perhaps I will find a way to incorporate the email conversation between my mentor and I and look at it further.

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I really wonder what is it about submission.  I wonder how can one’s mind be muniplated or trained to be that of a slave.  Is it all about the dominance of the master or the depth of consent of the slave?  I believe in it, yet I feel it is something that I will never fully understand until it happens to me, if it happens.   Or do you as a submissive yeild, give over consent and control a little at a time?  Like at first is it a choice, everything that is done and all the control yield a conscious choice, and then over time it is no longer a choice but a result of the conditioning of the mind and body?

That is what I wonder about this.  Like will I never get to the place I dream of being without willingly giving over as much control as possible.  Am I holding myself back?  Or is this like many other things  in my life I need to just suck it up and do what I say I want and need to do.  Just do it.  Like gettingup early and working out.  Need to do that.  I want to get healthier and tone up more.  Like getting my personal paperwork at home organized, been saying I was going to do that for over a month or so.    Like being more organzied period, with the kids and with myself.  Stop wasting time and procrastinating everything.

What’s the worst that could happen jumping in feet first?  I usually have good instincts when it comes to meeting people of my similar kink.  Oh yeah, the worst that could happen…my marriage.    Anyway.

I was sitting here thinking tonight about how tired I was, and this is not the same kind of tired like on Saturdays with the kids, this kind of tired I want to fuck out.  I love fucking when I’m tired.  It helps relax me.  Then I thought, I wonder what it would be like to be fucked everyday.  Or nearly everyday.  I think I wonder this because it is hard for me to fathom being in any type of a relationship again.

Nevertheless, I really need to get fucked right now.  I am really looking forward to my weekend.  I think this is as close to no sex I can ever get.  Having sex once or twice a month is as close to no sex for me as I can get.  I did go that one time for about 4 weeks.  But that didn’t last long.

Note to Mentor:  Emails can be bounced back either for inappropriate language, which I doubt you did.  Or because the email replies were getting too long, it had been running since yesterday.  Or because my Outlook is way too full and I was planning on seriously cleaning it out tomorrow.  Let’s try a new email in the morning.

Weird things going on with this journal.

Fantasies

I have always found it difficult to describe fantasies.

I think it is my definition of what a fantasy is.  To me fantasies are things that could and would never, ever happen.  Things that go against the laws of nature and/or gravity.  So therefore, if I fantasize about something, I usually make up something fantasical as I go along.  There is no reoccuring them or fantasy that I use over and over.

What I think people are describing when they ask me about fantasies is:  What is it that you would like to do sexually that you have not done?

Yet that is an equally difficult question to answer.  I say that because as open, kinky, and wild as I may seem, there are a lot of things I have not done sexually.  And I attribute that to marriage and my ex and not did not view our sexual relationship as a journey, or an evolution.

However, I believe that to really explore yourself sexually, you need to have a regular partner who will take that journey with you and evolve.

So are there things that I would like to do sexually that I have not done?  Yes….everything I have not done.  Most of which I don’t even know exists so hard to describe.

Now, my task was to describe my deepest darkest fantasy or desire that I dare not think of in the light of day nor have I shared with anyone.

The honest answer to that request is:  SUBMISSION

This is my deepest darkest fantasy that I would tell no one about, not even my swinger friends.  This is something personal and sacred.  This is the dark part of me that I want to embrace.  It is my fantasy/desire to be owned, to be a slave, to be at One’s feet.   To be spanked, to be whipped, to be flogged, to be slapped across the face, to be probed, to be used, to be abused, to be treated as an object, to please, to serve, to not think for myself, to have decisions made for me, to have provisions made for me, to be taken care of completely, to be able to put an exalted level of trust in someone.

Well, that is what I think was referred to in the request from my mentor.

Of course there is one other little tiny thing:

There is also the fantasy of falling in love again.  I would never tell anyone that.  I would not never admit that.  I am suppose to be strong, independent, too busy, and bitter to want something like that.

Nor am I suppose to stil fantasize about the grand wedding I never had, but I like to.  Think of the dresses and flowers and table decorations.  I often think the only reason I would ever get married again is to plan a wedding.  Maybe I should be a wedding planner, but then again, I’d be utterly jealous of the couples.

Those things have nothing to do with sex, but still they are fantasies that I would never tell anyone. 

Tower Slave

In this form of nadu, she kneels the same way, but with her palms down and her knees modestly together. The position may also be done with the arms crossed at the wrists before the kajira or the hands may be holding something, such as a tablet for inscribing ciphers, etc. This is referred to as the Tower Slave Position and is typically reserved for underage or white-silk slave girls, Free Women including those in temporary service to pay a debt,  or slave girls who serve their Master in a nonsexual way. Some Masters may ask their slaves to serve Others from this position, or Free Women are typically served in this position except by silk slaves who are also kajirus.

Nadu

 
This is the most basic of all the positions. The position a slave or kajira (female slave in Gorean) or kajirus (male slave in Gorean) uses to  kneel before her Master (or Mistress,) her head held proudly high, eyes downcast in respect but not shame, knees spread wide open, shoulders back keeping her back straight or arched in a subtle manner to move the breasts up and outwards.Hands lie on her thighs, palms facing upward.
“`Nadu!’ he snapped.She swiftly turned, facing him, and dropped to her knees. She knelt back on her heels, her back straight, her hands on her thighs, her head up, her knees wide. It was the position of the pleasure slave.” page 77, Explorers of