As Predicted

Today was a good day.  I awoke, fed the children, did some laudry.  Got in a good workout, lifted some weights and did some crunches as well.  Hopefully I will be able to figure out if I can get more working out done in the mornings before work.  Suppose that is just a hair issue.  I will have to work on that.

Afterwards, I ran to the post office.  Then I got the kids and I ready for a picnic at the farm.  We had a wonderful day at the harvest festival.  Face painting and horse rides.

A not so woeful Saturday.

Makes Me So Mad I Could Spit

He really is crazy and delusional.   And is still trying to make me out to be the bad person, the worst person in the world.  Still bringing up the fact that I left with the kids.  Get the fuck over it!  But apparently he can’t and I would be ever so delighted if he never got over it and his mind stayed stuck forever.  I hope he will never be able to move on and never be able to stop hating me.  As fucking nice as I’ve beeen, its been my fucking fault and he is still fucking me in the ass without giving me any dick. 

But no more.  He refuses to pay any kind of child support until he is absolutely forced to by the courts just to spite me.  Just point blank, he said he’s not giving me any money because he doesn’t trust that I will use it for the kids.  Hmmmmm, you stupid motherfucker, have you really convinced yourself that I somehow stopped being a good mother when I stopped being your wife.  Guess so.  Maybe he really didn’t think of me as his wife, just the mother of the kids, so when I left the mother left not the wife.  Guess that would explain why he stopped fucking me. 

Anyway, some how, some way I am going to figure out a way for me to play hard ball with him.  This has got to stop.  If the only thing that is important to him is seeing the kids, I may have to put that on hiatus in the near future.  I would never want to do that to the kids but what else am I to do when he refuses to help with one penny.  And of course that mean giving up my free weekends as well.  Either I will have to use the money I save on gas by not having to pick them up in VA for a sitter or suffer with no break indefinitely until he pays…and have to give up other things for me.  Again.

It’s What You Get for Complaining

Yeah, so Sundays are usually better.  But I guess since I complained about Saturday, the Gods or Karma decided to make me thankful for how things could have been worse by…giving me worse.

First of all, they broke the rule.  They meaning the kids.  On the weekend they are not suppose to get me up to do anything until 8am.  They are suppose to sit in my room and watch TV until 8!  Middle Child work me up at quarter to 7 wanting cereal.  Then Youngest Child woke up and decided to eat cereal too.  Then Oldest Child woke up and didn’t want cereal…until the other two had finished.  Blah!

Let’s add some more, shall we?

My brother decides to cook breakfast all after the fact…and wants a full course meal.  So it takes him like an hour or so.  On top of that he told the kids they could have some, so therefore they are buzzing and impatient.  Great!  I’m hungry because I haven’t eaten and I am irritable.  There are like a thousand dishes to wash and he’s still cooking.   So I start to help wash dishes and move things along.

In the middle of such, kids running around, wanting food, asking questions, crying etc.  Dad comes in the kitchen.  In the middle of this chaos I happen to mention that my niece is on her way over because I was going to watch her while her parents went to a ball game.   I then get a response that did not sit well with me.  First he asks what I had planned for them.  Nothing.  I had planned on staying home with my own 3 kids and adding one more was not going to make much of a difference and it helped her parents out.  Besides the fact that I think it is ok to do a family member a favor without a reason.  Something to the fact that next time I should check with him, or when he’s worked the day before and has to work the next day…something something…football.   Which basically just pissed me off.  I mean I took it as again I should cater to him and make sure his world is ok before all else.  I was really not in the mood, still hungry, having a nicotine fit, kids running around. 

Breathe.

On top of the fact he just doesn’t say stuff right most of the time.  Arrggghhh!

So then on top of everything else that had gone on and was going on, now I’m all geeked up on trying to keep the kids manageable so it doesn’t disturb him.  Which gives me more anxiety.  Then, the kids keep asking me for food and snacks and I make them wait and wait.  I finally fix lunch, not call them to lunch but just prepare the food and here he comes.  They just ate a few hours ago, you don’t need to feed them all that, you shouldn’t teach them to overeat. 

OMG!!!  Still having a nicotine fit (out of smokes hadn’t gone to the store nor borrowed a few bucks to do so), still trying to keep the kids quiet and occupied and behaved.  And then this.  Almost lost it.  But he backtracked and tried to make it better.  That helped.  Said he wasn’t trying to get on me. Said I didn’t have to do things just for his sake (which I do, which he thinks everyone should).  Then he was like oh yeah, thanks for trying to get them fed before the housekeeper came to clean up the kitchen.

WTF!

Breathe.

At least he backtracked.  At least he stepped back and saw that I was trying to do a lot.

Ugghh!

The day went better after that.  I got my nicotine fix, got the kids out of the house and then the day was almost over.

Whew!  Not many people say that they are looking forward to the work week starting.  I do.  Kids go to the sitter/school.  I get to go away from my dad.  Get to be around people where I feel competent.

Yea! Monday!

Last cigarette for the night.  My brother and I talking just fine. Then here he (Dad) comes for a heart to heart and we have to sit and listen.

I gotta go to bed.

Woe’s of a Saturday

Saturday’s with the kids are very rough on me.  Not for the usual complaints of over-scheduling and too much to do in too little time.  It is rough on my because my children are very busy and exhausting.  They need constant stimulation, interaction and activities.  I work harder on these type of Saturdays than I do during a five day work week.  At least it feels that way.  

Now this issue could be solved by proving the kids with planned and structured activities and events out of the house throughout th Saturday or the weekend as a whole.  There are a few reasons why I have not done this.  1) My oldest child is just now old enough to begin extra curricular activities.  Therefore, by process of elimination, my younger two are too young for extra curricular activities.  That leaves me the sole provider of these activities.  2) Planning out things to do with my children that we all would enjoy and occupy us usually takes money, a little to a lot, money nonetheless.   Even if I find free or low cost activities, even gas is a burden.  BUT, that is why these Saturdays are so rough.  It will get better in the next couple of weeks, something that will free up finances for many things including activities with my kids.  So I am not complaining in a “woe is me” type of way. 

But, man am I tired.

On these Saturday nights, once I finally get them into bed (same bed time as during the week) I can barely move.  Exhausted.  And in these moments, when my body and mind are completely spent, these are the moments I crave and feel I really need…PAMPERING.

Soaking in a hot tub or jacuzzi.  Full body massage.  Deluxe pedicure.  Manicure.  Facial.  Body Wrap.

These are the times I could hardly fathom putting myself behind one more persons needs.  Because I have needs.  Many of which go neglected.  Tis an issue I will have to address through my journey of submission.

Damn!  It’s barely past 9pm and I am ready to go right to sleep.

Dear Heart, the mind must sleep.  I will speak with you tomorrow.