Halted by life.  By myself.

I appreciate the comments that I have received. I did not think anyone besides the gentleman who wished to train me was reading this.  Apparently I was wrong.  Thank you John and Father.

Now, where am I on my journey.  Back to nowhere. 

I ended the relationship I was developing with a gentleman who was taking me under consideration, hence this journal.  And like most things in my life, I backed out, backed away and didn’t finish what I started.  I really did begin to have doubts about the gentleman in question and then I began to doubt myself.   Other options were presented and I began to see what was down the detour.

And such a detour has mucked up my focus of what I think I want and need.

In actuality, I believe I am a complicated and simply woman who just happens to like a lot of different things.   Which confuses me most times.  When I think there is somethign I definitely want and need, something else that I really want and need comes along and makes me question the first.

So here I am.  Sitting at nowhere.  And the truth of the matter, irrelevant to D/s or vanilla, I am just lonely.  This I know for a fact and am worried that it will affect my judgement and the direction I will go in.

But not one email today.  I don’t know why I don’t do well without communication.  Maybe because nothing really goes well between people without good communication.

Anyhow…nothing to do but wait and see what happens.

I must admit that although i know shit happens…i cannot deny that a little bit of my faith in this has been tampered with.

I suppose W/we will have to see what unfolds.  But i know that i cannot turn away from this lifestyle again, i will only come back time and time again until i experience what i am searching for.

I also read a lot on the Internal Enslavement site.  Master says He has not been to that site.  Which makes me more curious as to His introduction into this lifestyle and His experiences since.  More to speak of at O/our meeting.

But the big thing about reading these boards is that they get me so hot, so wet and so horny.  Not that anything explicit is discussed usually, just the submission and the dominance is so evident.

Most individuals, in this society as well as other “free” states, believe that they embody and exercise free will for most of their natural lives. These individuals are sadly mistaken. We are inundated with overwhelming choices of cars, clothes, food, doctors, TV channels, condoms, lotions, shampoos and everything else that fills our day to day lives. In layman’s terms, most would define those choices as free will…freedom. But the Super Wal-Marts, warehouse shopping an car dealerships are nothing more than smoke and mirrors to disguise the fact that we rarely exercise true free will. True fee will empowers an individual to choose whatever she wants to do, when she wants to do it and when without the threat to self-preservation.

In order to survive, we all submit. We submit to the laws that govern our land. We submit to the culture of our ancestors. We submit to the politics of our families. We submit to the perception of society. Choice is always there, looming, falsely insisting that we are free to make our own decisions. But what of the decisions we do not make because they threaten our self-preservations. I could choose to break the law. Yet in small and big circumstances, my survival is threatened. From the most obvious, incarceration or ordered death, to the mundane of fines and criminal records. All on some scale threat survival. TO survive in this world you need to have the freedom to work in exchange for money in order to eat, be clothed, and sheltered. If I am incarcerated or put to death, I do not survive. If the fines are high enough, I will not have the money to survive. And if I develop a shady enough criminal record, I will be less employable, therefore diminishing my ability to feed, clothe and shelter myself.

I can choose to turn my back on the culture of my ancestors. I can choose to not value their struggles, hardships and heartaches. I can choose to deny the sacrifices made with me, the future generation in mind. Yet to do, to shut my eyes to the past diminishes my ability to see and create a future for myself and my future generations. Lessening survival of the culture and the history. My choice to value the culture of my ancestors is not about free will, it is my duty.

Many times in my past I have chosen to defy, and rebel against my family and its politics. I felt I had to make a choice. To be them or to be me. I thought I chose to be me. And thus I lived out a meek and meager existence. Barely surviving. And only with the wisdom of years that I realized in order for me to be me and create a life for myself, I had to start again. Go back to where I cam from but to evolve and journey to something uniquely my own. By re-centering myself back to my land and my family, I have greatly increased the chance for my inner self to survive and thrive.

Most ridiculous of them all, our choice to submit to societal perceptions because we fear those perceptions have a direct barring on how well we survive in this world. I do have self-inflicted fear that if I do not exemplify the standards of beauty, of success, of goodness…somehow I have failed. If I am not the good daughter, the beautiful, desirable black woman, the independent woman, the loving, nurturing yet firm mother, I have failed and will be shunned and just may not survive. I choose to submit to societal perceptions because of my self-imposed feed of not being able to survive without their approval.

To be submissive, as in my nature to desperately want to please and serve, is to fully embody my free will. My choice to submit is not governed by any law, culture, family or society. Not is it subjected to the judgments and consequences of those bodies.

In submission, my mind would be set free from the shackles of a world of expectations and performance reviews, and I would be free to be me. Simply be, as I am in my soul. For the first time in my life, I can begin to know the real me. Not only get to know her, but to watch her grow, strengthen and emerge fro the cocoon that life’s layers of experiences and expectations have placed on me. Through training as a submissive, the sensations of my flesh can take hold of the core of my being and bring forth a more controlled, refined, confident and aware sense of self.

I want my body to be stripped of its clothing and my mind stripped of its confines.

In this world, expectations are dolled out in extremely vague terms. We walk on eggshells just to not fall too fare to the left of too far to the right. Those in judgment offer very little guidance and simply expect you to succeed. Yet when you fall short of those vague expectations, punishment is exacting, tailored and unforgiving. If I do not know what is expected of me, how can I succeed?

Submission.

In submission there is a confident security in knowing all that is expected of you and receiving the proper training to meet those expectations. Surrendering my doubts, surrendering my fear, surrendering my relentless analysis and comparisons. I want to be under the care and compassion of one that will not allow me to repeatedly displease. Such a person would ultimately be most pleased watching me excel in his serve rather than sitting back and allowing me to make mistakes. In actuality, any shortcoming I may display would be a direct reflection of his own failings. Precisely why it is imperative for me as a submissive seeking training to have a Master with the skill and experience required of this precious gift of my own free will.

Everything in my being begs to please and be rewarded for good service. I seek it in my family, I seek it in my friends, I seek it in my job. I seek out high level support positions where I can be of service to a superior. I am constantly seeking out ways to please my superiors and have them realize that I am invaluable for my service. I desire to continue growing and learning to better please and serve those around me. And when I have pleased those around me, I am satisfied. Satisfied to find the next level in which I can serve. As I desire to give this gift to the one that is worthy, I desire to give this gift to myself. I am a natural submissive. 

I have readily given up control to less worthy counterparts. All in need to please.

It is now that I have evaluated and accepted my true nature. With this awareness I covet my gift and vow that it shall not be tossed about for a lesser being to toy with.

I will not be satisfied until I am on my knees making you smile.

What is Master’s definition or thoughts on this?  From what I’ve been reading on the slave registry, being owned and property….there is a real feeling that you cannot get out of it.  You are internally enslaved to the person.  And that I think would take time. 

Not that titles actually matter.  Master may call me His slave, His pet, His toy.  Whatever He prefers and I will call Him what He prefers.  But I am really interested in actually turning into a slave.   That would be a strange realization…but maybe no different than being in love and never leaving that person or feeling like you couldn’t.  I have felt that way before.

What was productive was me voicing some of my concerns to Master.  And He listened.  And He reassured, simply, but to the point.  It make me feel so good.  Why?  I dont know. But it did.  Even though after my chat with L. (the other sub) I felt a little discouraged, I think because she came across as overly cautious.  But I should not let her attitude influence my journey.  Just thought it was weird that she has talked with Master on and off for a few months and yet still hesitant.

Anyhow, the trust that Master built with me today is very significant.  Because I know I have been holding myself back emotionally.  Usually I jump, or beg, right off the back because I was so needy, so eager.  But with my newfound resolve that I really want to give this an honest shot, I feel a little bit of trepidation.  I worry that I will fail.  I worry that maybe I will get into this and realizing that I was mistaken. Yet I doubt it.  My submissive nature is so a part of the being that I am, whether in the lifestyle or not.  Then I worry that the One I find may not be the one.  Ot it will be less than I expect.  I tend to have unrealistic expectations.

Those are just my normal rantings of my mind and I try not to give them tooooooo much thought.  But I do try to acknowledge them and try to get past them.

But presently, I am feeling like letting go a little bit more.   Trust has been laid down.

Like many things in my life, I have had pretty good judge of character…at least when it came to the most intimate things.  And when things have not gone so well, I knew well in advance how it would turn out….unfulfilling.

I am still having a good feeling about Master.   I have revisited anything that has been said or done with regret nor have I been taken aback.  I really want to experience this lifestyle, embrace this part of me and give it the time, attention and reverance it deserves. 

I need to experience this in deed and not just in words.

Finally talked to Master’s other slave.  L.  Although she doesn’t really seem that in to it.  Perhaps it was just because of our first meeting.  She says she is 99% sure and just waiting to meet Him.  But I don’t know.  I sensed much hesitation in her.  Which then makes me question my level of hesitation or lack thereof.  Which is not good.  Surely it doesn’t help that I have no contact with Master on the weekends, missed a day last week when He was out and a shortened day on Friday.

I definitely need constant contact and to feel like i and W/we are actively progressing.  Like I don’t think W/we have talked about a lot of things that will take this to the next level.  For example, O/our meeting next week.  I don’t really plan on playing. I don’t know how W/we will feel about each other at that exact moment.  I don’t think that is something that is unique to me.  Wouldn’t anyone, man or woman, Dom or sub, feel that way? Hey He could not be feeling me, doubt it, but its possible. I hate to assume all me act the same and are only focused on one thing. Pussy.  If I wanted to be with someone who was only focused on pussy, hey thats what swingers parties are for.  Right?

And Master really  does not know all of the expectations that I have for this lifestyle.  If He does not know those things than things could go terribly awry and dissolve what W/we have built.

Then I am caught in the terrible woman cunundrum, we want certain things from men, but we feel if we tell them exactly and specifically what we want, it goes against the point.

Afterwards, I ran to the post office.  Then I got the kids and I ready for a picnic at the farm.  We had a wonderful day at the harvest festival.  Face painting and horse rides.

A not so woeful Saturday.

So I had to copy and republish.  Go figure.  I will just have to count on Master counting the entries and date them myself to be sure they are accounted for properly.