Submission

I wrote this essay on Submission when I first began learning and accepting my desire to submit. 

Most individuals, in this society as well as other “free” states, believe that they embody and exercise free will for most of their natural lives. These individuals are sadly mistaken. We are inundated with overwhelming choices of cars, clothes, food, doctors, TV channels, condoms, lotions, shampoos and everything else that fills our day to day lives. In layman’s terms, most would define those choices as free will…freedom. But the Super Wal-Marts, warehouse shopping an car dealerships are nothing more than smoke and mirrors to disguise the fact that we rarely exercise true free will. True fee will empowers an individual to choose whatever she wants to do, when she wants to do it and when without the threat to self-preservation.

In order to survive, we all submit. We submit to the laws that govern our land. We submit to the culture of our ancestors. We submit to the politics of our families. We submit to the perception of society. Choice is always there, looming, falsely insisting that we are free to make our own decisions. But what of the decisions we do not make because they threaten our self-preservations. I could choose to break the law. Yet in small and big circumstances, my survival is threatened. From the most obvious, incarceration or ordered death, to the mundane of fines and criminal records. All on some scale threat survival. TO survive in this world you need to have the freedom to work in exchange for money in order to eat, be clothed, and sheltered. If I am incarcerated or put to death, I do not survive. If the fines are high enough, I will not have the money to survive. And if I develop a shady enough criminal record, I will be less employable, therefore diminishing my ability to feed, clothe and shelter myself.

I can choose to turn my back on the culture of my ancestors. I can choose to not value their struggles, hardships and heartaches. I can choose to deny the sacrifices made with me, the future generation in mind. Yet to do, to shut my eyes to the past diminishes my ability to see and create a future for myself and my future generations. Lessening survival of the culture and the history. My choice to value the culture of my ancestors is not about free will, it is my duty.

Many times in my past I have chosen to defy, and rebel against my family and its politics. I felt I had to make a choice. To be them or to be me. I thought I chose to be me. And thus I lived out a meek and meager existence. Barely surviving. And only with the wisdom of years that I realized in order for me to be me and create a life for myself, I had to start again. Go back to where I cam from but to evolve and journey to something uniquely my own. By re-centering myself back to my land and my family, I have greatly increased the chance for my inner self to survive and thrive.

Most ridiculous of them all, our choice to submit to societal perceptions because we fear those perceptions have a direct barring on how well we survive in this world. I do have self-inflicted fear that if I do not exemplify the standards of beauty, of success, of goodness…somehow I have failed. If I am not the good daughter, the beautiful, desirable black woman, the independent woman, the loving, nurturing yet firm mother, I have failed and will be shunned and just may not survive. I choose to submit to societal perceptions because of my self-imposed feed of not being able to survive without their approval.

To be submissive, as in my nature to desperately want to please and serve, is to fully embody my free will. My choice to submit is not governed by any law, culture, family or society. Not is it subjected to the judgments and consequences of those bodies.

In submission, my mind would be set free from the shackles of a world of expectations and performance reviews, and I would be free to be me. Simply be, as I am in my soul. For the first time in my life, I can begin to know the real me. Not only get to know her, but to watch her grow, strengthen and emerge fro the cocoon that life’s layers of experiences and expectations have placed on me. Through training as a submissive, the sensations of my flesh can take hold of the core of my being and bring forth a more controlled, refined, confident and aware sense of self.

I want my body to be stripped of its clothing and my mind stripped of its confines.

In this world, expectations are dolled out in extremely vague terms. We walk on eggshells just to not fall too fare to the left of too far to the right. Those in judgment offer very little guidance and simply expect you to succeed. Yet when you fall short of those vague expectations, punishment is exacting, tailored and unforgiving. If I do not know what is expected of me, how can I succeed?

Submission.

In submission there is a confident security in knowing all that is expected of you and receiving the proper training to meet those expectations. Surrendering my doubts, surrendering my fear, surrendering my relentless analysis and comparisons. I want to be under the care and compassion of one that will not allow me to repeatedly displease. Such a person would ultimately be most pleased watching me excel in his serve rather than sitting back and allowing me to make mistakes. In actuality, any shortcoming I may display would be a direct reflection of his own failings. Precisely why it is imperative for me as a submissive seeking training to have a Master with the skill and experience required of this precious gift of my own free will.

Everything in my being begs to please and be rewarded for good service. I seek it in my family, I seek it in my friends, I seek it in my job. I seek out high level support positions where I can be of service to a superior. I am constantly seeking out ways to please my superiors and have them realize that I am invaluable for my service. I desire to continue growing and learning to better please and serve those around me. And when I have pleased those around me, I am satisfied. Satisfied to find the next level in which I can serve. As I desire to give this gift to the one that is worthy, I desire to give this gift to myself. I am a natural submissive. 

I have readily given up control to less worthy counterparts. All in need to please.

It is now that I have evaluated and accepted my true nature. With this awareness I covet my gift and vow that it shall not be tossed about for a lesser being to toy with.

I will not be satisfied until I am on my knees making you smile.

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